Privacy Policy
or, a Document About Nothing

§ 1 Our Solemn Introduction

Welcome. You have discovered our Privacy Policy. We have written it because lawyers exist and because websites are apparently required to explain, in exhaustive legal prose, what they do with your personal data. We shall explain. We have prepared ourselves.

§ 2 What Information We Collect

We collect: nothing.

To be more specific: we collect no names, no email addresses, no phone numbers, no mailing addresses, no IP addresses, no browser fingerprints, no cookies, no tracking pixels, no device identifiers, no behavioral data, no location data, no biometric data, no browsing history, no purchase history (there is nothing to purchase), no scroll depth, no mouse movements, no keystroke dynamics, no facial recognition data, no voice prints, no social graphs, no inferences derived from any of the above, and — in the spirit of thoroughness — no data about your pets, your hopes, your dreams, or your deepest fears.

We have no forms. We have no analytics. We have no server logs configured to retain identifiable information. You are, to us, a ghost. A beautiful, anonymous ghost.

§ 3 How We Use Your Information

Please refer to Section 2.

Since we have collected nothing, we use nothing. We do not use your data to personalize your experience, because we have no data and therefore no experience to personalize. We do not use your data to send you marketing communications, because we do not have your data or your email address or, frankly, any way of contacting you whatsoever.

§ 4 Sharing Your Data with Third Parties

We share your data with the following third parties: none.

We have no advertising partners. We have no data brokers. We have no "trusted affiliates." We have not sold your soul to a subsidiary. We are not "part of a family of companies" that exists solely to launder your information through progressively shadier entities until it ends up in a spreadsheet being sold to someone who wants to sell you insurance.

We do not share what we do not have. This is, philosophically speaking, the one area of data privacy where we have truly excelled.

§ 5 Cookies

We do not use cookies.

We are aware that most websites use this section to technically disclose their use of seventeen different categories of tracking cookies while providing a consent banner so aggressively designed that "Accept All" is a large green button and "Reject All" requires navigating four submenus and a scroll. We have chosen a different path. The path of not using cookies.

If your browser has set a cookie for this site, your browser is acting alone and frankly we are concerned about its behavior.

§ 6 Data Retention

We retain your data for a period of: zero seconds.

We are industry leaders in data retention. No organization on Earth retains less of your data than we do. We are setting the standard. We invite our competitors to try and out-not-collect us. They cannot.

§ 7 Your Rights Under Various Laws

Under the GDPR, CCPA, CPRA, VCDPA, and a number of other acronyms that become law faster than we can learn to pronounce them, you have rights regarding your personal data. These include the right to access, correct, delete, port, restrict processing of, and object to the processing of your data.

You are welcome to exercise all of these rights. The result, in each case, will be the same: we will confirm that we have nothing to access, correct, delete, port, restrict, or stop processing, because the processing never started, because the data never existed.

§ 8 Children's Privacy

We do not knowingly collect data from children under 13, children under 16, children under 18, or children of any age. We also do not collect data from adults of any age. We extend this policy to all humans, all corporations considered legally to be persons, and any future classifications of entity that courts may one day recognize.

§ 9 Security

We employ robust, industry-leading security measures to protect your data. These measures include, but are not limited to: ██████████████████████████████████████.

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§ 10 Changes to This Policy

We reserve the right to change this policy at any time. In the event of a material change, we will notify you by every available means, including email — which we do not have — push notifications — which we do not send — and a prominent banner on the website — which would be ironic, since the banner would also collect no data.

In practice: if we change this policy, the change will almost certainly be to collect data, at which point this whole document becomes moot and we will feel a pang of institutional guilt.

§ 11 A Brief Word on New Business

We are a digital marketing agency. We do this work — the collecting of data, the leveraging of data, the transforming of data into measurable results — exceptionally well. On behalf of our clients. For whom we have done so for many years.

We built this business the way this Privacy Policy was built: by doing the opposite of what everyone else does. While others chase volume, we chose depth. Every client relationship we have was earned through introductions, referrals, and a handshake — real or metaphorical — between people who had already decided to trust each other.

As a result, we are not in a position to take on new clients through this website. Not because we are indifferent to you, anonymous visitor, but because we have learned that the best client relationships do not begin with a contact form. They begin with a conversation someone vouched for.

§ 12 Contact Us

If you have questions about this Privacy Policy, you may contact us. We have elected not to list contact information here because doing so would collect your inquiry, which would be our first piece of data, and we are not ready for that commitment.

We trust you understand.